Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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