I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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