she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
