You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
