rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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