K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
True college students do jello shots in the library
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
