You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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