If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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