I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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