I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize