saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
