why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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