im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
