On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
