I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
