Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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