All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
