tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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