Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He better not be in your backpack
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
