party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
