Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
