Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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