By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
