I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
