I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize