I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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