The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
