My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
