I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
