If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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