if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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