I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need to calm my uterus...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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