Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
