If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
