My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
