I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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