Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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