I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
