Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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