in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
