the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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