On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
