But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
