DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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