two words: eviction party
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
