I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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