I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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