I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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