if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize