fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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