He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your cock deserves a montage
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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