all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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