Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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