Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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