I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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