I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
