I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
