im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
