yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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