remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
