He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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