Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
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Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
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