you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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