I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
