Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
